This weekend was the first time I went back to the city that raised me. I hadn’t been there in three months. No, I won’t call it my home because that’s not where I feel it. The city will always have a special place in my heart because it was where I was born, where I found love, where I had struggles and happiness. It was where I found my path, and realized not everything belonged and that was ok. It brought me some incredible people along the way and without them, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
But, you know, being back made me realize something- some chapters need to stay closed. I don’t have to keep rereading or over analyzing them so it can make sense. It won’t ever make sense because living my old life is like trying to fit a jagged puzzle piece into a square. No matter what angle you try there’s always a side that’s a little different.
I went to my old stomping grounds downtown and I felt like I was an outsider looking in. I thought to myself, “You thought this was fun, Ray?” I looked around and just observed. I could read the crowd like a bad People Magazine article. The cover sucks you in (the scene) and then there is no substance on the inside (drunk people), and you’re left saying to yourself, “I really spent $10 on that garbage?!”
I found an awesome church in LA called City Church LA, and they’ve been talking about how God changes your appetite as far as your wants, needs, desires, etc.. It’s so true. I see myself changing and realizing this life I’ve been hung up on for the past two years is not who I truly am. It’s a figment of my imagination that most times I get lost in. It’s hard to tell the difference between reality and fairytale some times but eventually I come back down to reality.
I needed closure with my city. I needed closure with my people. I’m happy for all of the experiences I’ve had in my life that brought me to where I am and I’m happy for this weekend. It’s a chapter that will forever be closed on good terms and it’s nice to be missed.
One last thing- I went to the G-Eazy concert last night, or as I like to call him, Gerald Earl Gillum
And he made a speech about following your dreams and being different and to not give up when the going gets tough. I looked around and everyone was between 16-20 years old and they all dressed the same. They had no individuality. They all wore dark colors and had those gross bull nose rings (AND YEAH! They’re gross! So if you have one take it out rn and get you some new friends because they’re afraid to tell you, you look like shit.) Anyways, I hope that those who went listened to young Gerald. Don’t be afraid to swim upstream. It might be tough, it’ll get hard, you’ll get tired, but you don’t give up.