Did I remember to brush my teeth this morning? Am I a quitter? Am I the only one who feels this way? How is everyone getting married when I can barely afford tacos?! I’m fired?!
I thought being in your twenties you were supposed to be carefree, have your shit together, and having the best time of your life! So far my shit is semi-together but I’m filled with anxiety ridden defeat and keep getting fired. Okay maybe I’ve only been fired once, but still! I can’t help but wonder if I’m the problem or is it that people are so disposable that I don’t matter. I have a constant demon I battle of ever being good enough. I think maybe we all feel that way at times. (Please tell me I’m not alone). We wonder if there is someone else out there that may be better suited for our partner; Someone better for the job position or even better at your craft then you are. The “why try” type of mentality I fight daily. It’s easy to slump into a depression. Life is hard I tell ya. But you know, I think it gets better. I hope it gets better….It has to. I’ve been told it does so I have to believe this isn’t the end.
I quit my agency job because I was sitting there watching other people’s dreams come true while I sit on my ass answering phone calls. Don’t get me wrong, I really loved that job and the people I worked with, but I felt like I needed to be doing something else with my life. Now I’m living out my high school fantasy I suppose of working in a tanning salon. #TanOnFleeky. I have a list of things I need to do daily like audition but I get so discouraged. I truly believe we accomplish everything God wants you to in the 24 hours he’s given you. Use them wisely and don’t waste them.
My boyfriend came to me last week asking me if I would move to Tennessee with him for business. My initial thought felt like someone working so hard to go to the olympics and finally winning the gold and then someone says that you should be in politics. I don’t know…that’s a bad analogy but you get my point. I was very caught off guard and have been questioning myself ever since. Is this one of those too good to be true things? The one where you don’t know the meaning until way later and sometimes you never figure it out. I feel like I finally just got settled in LA, and still settling honestly, and now my life has to possibly be up-rooted and moved across the country…again?! I know what you’re thinking, I don’t have to go. But I would want to go. Long distance relationships don’t work for one and two I’m down for the adventure. You never know who you’re going to meet, what you will find, what will lead to the next stepping stone of your life plan. Everyday I get a little more okay with the idea of going…living in a house on a quiet street with a backyard so my dog can play…going to the store and parking in a parking lot versus the street…knowing your neighbors and being around friendly people. I miss the south a lot. I’ve always wanted to move to Tennessee actually or Georgia or South Carolina but I just didn’t think so soon, you know? I’m being a little dramatic and failed to mention that this is temporary and we will most likely be bi-coastal but the details still aren’t worked out yet. I’m sharing this with y’all first because I also need advice sometimes. My best friend told me there are 3 options:
- Have an open mind and heart and think positively because you never know what will come out of it
- Move for him and his career and put mine on pause
- Settle down and have kids.
If I told him option two he would seriously not let me do it. He would never make me choose like that. This is the first I’ve really sat down and had my thoughts about it because I’ve had so much anxiety about everything! Jesus Christ Ray, pop a xanx and chill the f*ck out…AMIRITE!?
I’m not where I want to be by the time I’m 25 so that means I have a little over one year to work my ass off and try. I think this could be a good. Change isn’t necessarily a bad thing
I’m starting to not feel alone in this game (thank God) because I have a few friends and my cousin who calls me regularly with the same issues. One of the friends is 26 and is waiting for those six figure checks, and hey, I admire the girl because she’s a bomb hairstylist and deserves it. She’s done her time and is waiting for her “big break.” Another one got tired of sitting around and hit up some models on Instagram to do their makeup and she let her do it! She’s really good so I’m not surprised. Now she’s getting booked regularly and did Snoop Dogg’s Halloween makeup. OoOoOoKaAaAyYyY GOALS. (Snoop Dogg, whaaaaat??) I’m v proud of my friends and everything they’ve accomplished. I asked my boyfriend what’s a piece of advice I can quote him on and he says,
It gets better.
-Lee Miles 2016
I know he’s right. We have to focus on helping each other when we are in these fragile parts of our lives. All of this political and racial hate is all too much. Millennials love to hear themselves talk and “stand for something,” but everything y’all say you hate you are becoming. You say that love is greater but where? All I see are people tearing each other down because of their different views, opinions, or skin color. Guys, it HAS TO STOP. I pray for our Nation, world, and humanity regularly. Focus on yourself and fix things within your reach.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.