The year is winding down with only a few hours left of the treacherous sweet sixteen. This year, I’ve seen people I’m surrounded by eaten alive and spit back out. I’ve seen it take some legendary entertainers. I’ve seen America take a meme and make it into a reality. As a whole, I thought I had a pretty good year. Nothing too exciting happened but nothing bad either; and for that I am relieved. I get to spend another year with my grandparents, I met a wonderful man, and I’m just out here surviving. But I’ve been doing this thing lately where I go back and look at “on this day” on Facebook to kind of clean up my old posts. I looked at the ones today from December 31st, 2015, and it instantly took me back to this time of positivity, hope, and the feeling that anything is possible. I realize now looking back, this year ate me alive too. Not all at once, but slowly, day by day I felt weaker and lost my purpose.
If I’m being honest, I’ve been depressed for probably 8 months. It’s not a super dark depression. It’s one that you barely recognize yourself. The kind that you mask with a smile, a funny joke, or a new dress to make yourself feel better. It’s melancholy. You get use to your routine and don’t think to change it. You stop writing, creating, hanging with friends. You tell them that you have other plans or you don’t feel good but really all you want to be is alone. Suddenly the comfort of your bland bedroom sounds better than fighting crowds. It’s like screaming and no one can hear you. You communicate your feelings but you’re speaking a different language that no one can understand. Have you ever been around a loved one who is suffering so badly and you can’t help? It’s the worst thing to watch. The fear in their eyes is nothing like you’ve seen before. They can no longer help you and comfort you and you start to carry them-Making sure they’re okay, all the while you’re going deeper and deeper into your somber state.
So, 2016 really did a number on me without me realizing. But, we can’t blame a year….it’s just a bunch of numbers….on why bad things happen to us. That’s silly. What we can do is change ourselves. Take responsibility for our actions and let go of things we can’t change. Rid toxic people/ones who are not beneficial to your life or mental health. We must constantly learn about ourselves and increase our level of awareness.
For the new year I hope to find the happiness I’ve been missing. I want to remember to always love myself. I hope to be inspired again…whether that’s here in LA or somewhere else. I want to be open and embrace change again. I don’t want to be afraid to fail. I want to be strong for those around me and I know that I will find whatever is meant for me.