As I spent an hour and a half driving down Benedict Canyon back to the valley- I listened to the Almighty Ron Pope, had some road rage because some idiot couldn’t park correctly and blocked ONE FULL LANE on a TWO LANE ROAD, and spent the time debating with myself about how shitty everyone else is…but then I thought, “What if it’s me?”
Am I the shitty person I’m so mad at?
Okay, fine. Maybe I could be wrong.
But also, I’m great!
Okay that’s not true, sort of true, but not quite
I’M FLAWED! OKAY?! I’M FLAWED!
I know that it’s hard to admit sometimes that we, as humans, don’t always have the right answers. Sometimes we are wrong and don’t handle situations the best.
I’ve been going back to therapy, (but did I ever quit?) and she asked me what it was like to date me. She’s asked me the past three times I’ve seen her and normally I brush it off with a joke, I.E. above. But on the way home it hit me; It hit me like a ton of bricks and I finally understood the question. “What is it like to date you?” Huh, I’ve never thought of it that way. I was so quick to point the finger at someone else that I completely ignored an outside perception of myself.
I am very intense. I love deeply, passionately,unconditionally and unapologetically. I’m sure that in itself is a lot to accept and hard to sift through emotionally. Sometimes I like to be alone and too many people in my space gives me anxiety. I am used to being alone; not in a sad way, but in a you-have-your-own-back kind of way. I don’t rely on other people or ask for help much. The world has made me a little…cautious. I would say cold but that wouldn’t be true. I still give my absolute all to someone. I’m like a giant wave coming for the shore. Once I’ve reached the sharp rocks ahead I crash into them. I feel every cut, every bruise, and I’m a little banged up. But just like the current pulls out and back again, I muster the strength to get back up and try again. I become weak and tired and suddenly the calm of the tide settles and night falls. It’s just tranquil waves while the ocean sleeps until the dawn of a new day.
I have been closed off with my heart if I’m being honest. It’s easier that way so you don’t get hurt, sure. But that is no way to live. To not feel emotions and walking around on autopilot is not living.
Fast forward a few weeks:
I went back home on a whim. I booked a flight and flew out that day. I just needed space. Maybe I felt trapped and the only way I know how to deal with things like that is to run. I haven’t been in a good head space. Haven’t written, went to auditions, or created anything in God knows how long. The only way for me to get back to myself is to write but the words wouldn’t come out until now. I hope my friends back home have kicked my ass enough for me to get it together and not wallow in self-pity. They know my heart. They are my heart. They are the only family I’ve ever known. I was talking to one of my girlfriends, Ashly, and she was giving me relationship advice. The whole time she was talking I was thinking to myself, “wow I have completely missed the point all these years.” Something about what she said stuck; That she’s never in sync with her boyfriend. I had been hearing the exact thing she was saying from everyone else and for some reason it just clicked. My whole perception of relationships is misconstrued. There is no actual knight in shining armor, sometimes he’s just disguised as an accountant. Relationships take work and communication and if you want or need something you have to vocalize it. My girlfriend Cara is getting married this summer. She’s my first friend to get engaged and my first save the date I received in the mail that I will cherish forever. You say hoarder, I say sentimental. I asked her the same question, “How do you make it work? You guys have live together for a few years now…don’t you get tired of one another?” She told me that its very important to choose your battles and not all are worth fighting. Even if you know you are right, is it worth hurting the other person to have that small moment of glory? I would say no. When you do that, you make your partner feel like their input doesn’t matter. She said another thing is to have dates and to each have your own space to do your own thing. Hmmmm dates. I miss those. I know, ya’ll are thinking this is common sense but I haven’t had very good, actually any, examples of a good relationship. My parents divorced when I was 4, my mom is a lunatic to say the least, so my favorite example of true love is The Notebook. I believe love like that exists for sure. I’ve heard it from other friends that that is how their grandparents were, but it was another time. It’s so confusing for old souls like me to accept that “side chicks” are something you have to look out for these days. What ever happened to showing up to the doorstep with flowers, writing love letters, even planning a date and picking her up.
It’s sad that despite all your best efforts, some things are just not meant to be. They will unravel faster than a cut edge on burlap; Sometimes it’s inevitable.
Your heart, too cold
So you don’t ever feel
My words on deaf ears
No, you will never hear
The reasons why people come in and out of your life are a mystery. I wish we didn’t have to experience the devastating pain of losing someone, physically and emotionally, but our lessons make us stronger. I have to believe that. I have to believe this isn’t for nothing. I have to have faith that this life isn’t pointless and we go places more magical than all the stars in the galaxy when it’s all over.
I am mad at myself because I put someone else’s needs above my own. Somewhere the lines got blurred and I couldn’t differentiate between who I truly am and settling. I have robbed myself of the love I deserve because I haven’t loved myself the way I want to be. You know, I was scared to be thrown back into the wild, but it’s not so scary. I am not the girl to cower down to the hands of insufficient lovers. I’M the one you want on your team. I will go to battle and come back stronger. So, no, this world won’t make me cold. I have gained some clarity. It’s not so scary when you know who you are and refuse to sink. I got rid of bullies a long time ago and somehow I forgot that. So- to answer your question of finding someone who will put up with my shit: I am a work in progress. I have faith in the greater plan and truly try to learn from the lessons I’ve been given so I won’t repeat my mistakes.
You can’t be afraid to fail, and you can’t be afraid to put your heart on the line. If it’s not right don’t force it. Don’t pretend that it works and lie to yourself you will accept below your standards.
They say it’s better to know sooner than later, yes that is true, but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. The amount of time you spend with someone doesn’t make it any less valid. You can spend a few months with someone and fall harder in love with the right one than if you spent years with the wrong one. My best friend called me a few months ago and apologized if she ever made me feel like a past relationship wasn’t valid. She knew how incredibly hard it was for me to get over and she went through the same thing and finally got it. Her apology was completely out of the blue and not required, but it felt great that she finally knew exactly how I felt. Life is full of lessons and even though she was there for me through it all she didn’t know how I felt until that moment, three years later.
My biggest challenge in life will be to not lose myself in my relationships and to not put others feelings ahead of my own or the lesson will keep presenting itself. So yeah, I will take my “self-help” books, bibles, and daily devotionals and keep doing me because without my spiritual guidance, I am nothing. I refused to listen to judgement for who I am and if things make me feel good that someone doesn’t agree with, so what? There’s the door.